Fixed! Turns out he had Norton on there before...I grilled him about it and he said there was a trial version he uninstalled (incorrectly) ages ago. Only now started acting up (b/c of the doubled up AV protection), so I downloaded the Norton removal tool and POW, it's full of internets again.

Happy ending.
Thanks for the advice again.

Lemme know if you're ever up for Rock Band co-op.
