Just me. Just Halo. Just AWESOME!
January is a difficult month.
I'm not usually one who lets my emotions control me. I have perfected the defense mechanism of ice queen, sarcasm, and humor and therefore have become very good at keeping my true feelings inside. The Christmas holidays are difficult for me especially the month of January, but this year has been particularly trying because with each passing year I miss my mom more and more. I'm a grown woman yet without her I feel like I will forever remain a child because I had a lot of growing up to still do when she passed as I was only 19.
Not many people read my blog because well, its boring, but those who do probably already know that I was previously in the PMS Clan during my Halo 2 days. I was an active member who was interested in competing on the MLG circuit so needless to say I was pretty serious about the whole thing. So serious in fact that I ate, breathed, slept, and dreamed about Halo. When I was practicing I didn't want to be bothered and tuned the entire world out. It was just me and my battle rifle. I heard the phone ringing when I was in the middle of a clan match but I purposely ignored it because it was a clan match -- super serious, right?!? My cell phone rang again. And again. But no voicemails. So I figured if it was important they would at least leave me a voice mail and I could check it later after I pwned some n00bs. :: an hour or so passes ::
My begins to ring again. Again, and again, and again so I pry myself off my gaming chair to grab the phone and my caller ID showed me it was my sister. "Yeah, what do you want?" I answered in a bratty obnoxious way.
"You need to get down to the hospital immediately."
"Uh, why cause I'm kinda in the middle of something?"
"Its mom and you need to get here as soon as possible. We've been trying to call you for an hour."
Just from the tone of her voice I knew something very serious was happening so I got in my car and drove straight to the hospital. The whole family was already there and when I walked into the ER the nurses immediately escorted me to the door of her room. The looks on their faces made me feel like I was dreaming. Through tears my brother stepped out of the crowd and told me my mom had passed away from a series of heart attacks shortly before I arrived.
I was stunned. I didn't believe them and barged into the room to prove them wrong. My mom couldn't be dead. I had just seen her the day before. I wanted this to all be some kind of nightmare or sick prank, but one look at her lifeless body covered up on the table told me what I didn't want to admit. I stood next to her and held her hand which was already cold to the touch. I cried at her side hoping by some miracle she would wake up. I told her I loved her and promised her I would become someone she could have been really proud of. Then I removed her favorite ring from her finger and slipped her earrings in my pocket. I put her ring on my finger and it has remained there for the past 8 years.
8 years! 8 years have passed and time has eased the pain a little but its always in the back of my mind. Why didn't I just answer the phone on the first ring? She still would have died but I would have made it to the hospital to tell her how much I loved her and I would have had a chance to say goodbye. Would that have given me closure? I don't know but I would do anything to have those last few minutes with her to tell her goodbye.
And it seems lately I am reminded of her more and more. The Holidays of course reminds me of her because she would always take 2 weeks off of work to do Christmas shopping, decorating the house, and putting up the Christmas tree. It was her favorite holiday and we would make Christmas crafts together. I can be at work and be reminded of her because she loved to take me shopping but always stressed the importance of paying off your credit cards each month. So now, with every credit card I sell at work (approx 10+ per day) she is in the back of my mind. It's such a strange thing to remember along with so many others.
I just wish I had her back. I want her to know I am so sorry for everything and how much I really did appreciate her. I want her to know I love her. I want to hug her. I want to spend the day with her. I want her advice and I want her to be proud of me. Unfortunately for me I didn't realize this until I lost her.
I LOVE YOU MOM <3
I quit the clan that day. Well, technically just never returned. Actually, I guess you could even say I quit life for a while. I was bombarded with so many feelings of guilt and sorrow that I just went completely numb. I think part of me rejoined PMS because it reminds me of the carefree days when I knew everything because my mom was always there to have my back through thick and thin. But now I have returned to the clan unsure exactly what it is I am searching for ......
Not many people read my blog because well, its boring, but those who do probably already know that I was previously in the PMS Clan during my Halo 2 days. I was an active member who was interested in competing on the MLG circuit so needless to say I was pretty serious about the whole thing. So serious in fact that I ate, breathed, slept, and dreamed about Halo. When I was practicing I didn't want to be bothered and tuned the entire world out. It was just me and my battle rifle. I heard the phone ringing when I was in the middle of a clan match but I purposely ignored it because it was a clan match -- super serious, right?!? My cell phone rang again. And again. But no voicemails. So I figured if it was important they would at least leave me a voice mail and I could check it later after I pwned some n00bs. :: an hour or so passes ::
My begins to ring again. Again, and again, and again so I pry myself off my gaming chair to grab the phone and my caller ID showed me it was my sister. "Yeah, what do you want?" I answered in a bratty obnoxious way.
"You need to get down to the hospital immediately."
"Uh, why cause I'm kinda in the middle of something?"
"Its mom and you need to get here as soon as possible. We've been trying to call you for an hour."
Just from the tone of her voice I knew something very serious was happening so I got in my car and drove straight to the hospital. The whole family was already there and when I walked into the ER the nurses immediately escorted me to the door of her room. The looks on their faces made me feel like I was dreaming. Through tears my brother stepped out of the crowd and told me my mom had passed away from a series of heart attacks shortly before I arrived.
I was stunned. I didn't believe them and barged into the room to prove them wrong. My mom couldn't be dead. I had just seen her the day before. I wanted this to all be some kind of nightmare or sick prank, but one look at her lifeless body covered up on the table told me what I didn't want to admit. I stood next to her and held her hand which was already cold to the touch. I cried at her side hoping by some miracle she would wake up. I told her I loved her and promised her I would become someone she could have been really proud of. Then I removed her favorite ring from her finger and slipped her earrings in my pocket. I put her ring on my finger and it has remained there for the past 8 years.
8 years! 8 years have passed and time has eased the pain a little but its always in the back of my mind. Why didn't I just answer the phone on the first ring? She still would have died but I would have made it to the hospital to tell her how much I loved her and I would have had a chance to say goodbye. Would that have given me closure? I don't know but I would do anything to have those last few minutes with her to tell her goodbye.
And it seems lately I am reminded of her more and more. The Holidays of course reminds me of her because she would always take 2 weeks off of work to do Christmas shopping, decorating the house, and putting up the Christmas tree. It was her favorite holiday and we would make Christmas crafts together. I can be at work and be reminded of her because she loved to take me shopping but always stressed the importance of paying off your credit cards each month. So now, with every credit card I sell at work (approx 10+ per day) she is in the back of my mind. It's such a strange thing to remember along with so many others.
I just wish I had her back. I want her to know I am so sorry for everything and how much I really did appreciate her. I want her to know I love her. I want to hug her. I want to spend the day with her. I want her advice and I want her to be proud of me. Unfortunately for me I didn't realize this until I lost her.
I LOVE YOU MOM <3
I quit the clan that day. Well, technically just never returned. Actually, I guess you could even say I quit life for a while. I was bombarded with so many feelings of guilt and sorrow that I just went completely numb. I think part of me rejoined PMS because it reminds me of the carefree days when I knew everything because my mom was always there to have my back through thick and thin. But now I have returned to the clan unsure exactly what it is I am searching for ......
Total Comments 1
Comments
-
<3 to go through that must be hard. Just take one day at a time.
PS I read all your 2 blogs cuz I find what you have to say important
Posted 01-06-2012 at 06:21 AM by PMS Lolli 
