The Random Thread

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Ok so here just post yes random jokes, facts, stories, or instructions etc etc...this isnt really a spam thread but more like well RANDOM!.lol

Like:

Instructions


On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Dang, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair)


On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's "just" a suggestion!)


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh?)


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And...I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash!)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[oXKryptoniteXo]

You know you're living in the 00's when:

1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.
8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10.Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11.You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12.Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13.Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14.Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15.Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16.Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17.Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18.Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19.Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20.There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21.Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22.You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23.As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
24.It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
25.You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
26.This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Other Shoe

There is this guy who returns home very late at night, after getting drunk thoroughly. He lives on the first floor of a house. Every night he comes home, throws his heavy work boots into a corner [THUD- THUD ;-)] and crashes into the bed.

One morning, the guy living downstairs complained, "I don't mind your coming home late and all that, but please don't throw your shoes like that. They make awful noises and wake me up everyday." The drunkard apologized and said he would not do it anymore.

That night, again, he got drunk, as usual, came home, and THUD! threw one shoe into the corner out of habit. Then, he remembered his promise to the guy downstairs, and 'removed' his other shoe and kept it down in the corner very quietly.

Next morning, feeling good about his 'responsible behavior,' he asks the guy downstairs, "Hope I did not disturb you, yesterday. I am sorry about the first shoe, but I did keep my second shoe down very quietly" The other guy gives him a mean look, and says, "You *******! I did not sleep all night, waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor."

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Thought You Knew Everything?

1.Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2.Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
3.There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4.The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5.A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6.There are more chickens than people in the world.
7.Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8.The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9.On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10.All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11.No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12."Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13.All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14.Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15.Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16.Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17.There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18.Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19.A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21.Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22.In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23.Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24.The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25.A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26.A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27.A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28.It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home)!
29.The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30.In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31.The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32.Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33.The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34.There are 336 dimples on a regular golf ball.
35."Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do not work

20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?"
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work:
1. "It works on my machine."

[oXKryptoniteXo]

lol more to come.

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Watch Your Disposition

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and the worst vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird, and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Well Said!

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate.
But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.




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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....




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Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
So why practice?




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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?




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Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.




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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.




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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.




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Guys, if your girlfriend ever complains, tell them you are trying to help the environment.
Save water and electricity/gas.
Shower with your girlfriend.

[oXKryptoniteXo]

What those words on yearly performance reviews REALLY mean...

1.OUTGOING PERSONALITY - Always going out of the office
2.GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS - Able to bullFunnyBunnyFunnyBunnyFunnyBunnyFunnyBunny
3.GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Spends lots of time on phone
4.WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY - Too ugly to get a date
5.ACTIVE SOCIALLY - Drinks a lot
6.INDEPENDENT WORKER - Nobody knows what s/he does
7.QUICK THINKING - Offers plausible excuses
8.CAREFUL THINKER - Won't make a decision
9.USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS - Gets someone else to do it
10.EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL - Speaks English
11.METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL - A nit picker
12.HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES - Is tall or has a louder voice
13.EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT - Lucky
14.KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
15.CAREER MINDED - Back stabber
16.LOYAL - Can't get a job anywhere else
17.PLANS FOR PROMOTIONAL/ADVANCEMENT - Buys drinks for all the boys
18.OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION - Gets to work on time
19.RELAXED ATTITUDE - Sleeps at desk

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Why English Is A Pain To Learn

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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[oXKryptoniteXo]

Achieving 103%

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future! What makes life 100% ??

If,

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% Only

but,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

however,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Creative Ways To Cope with Stress

Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day," say you have other plans.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Polish your car with earwax.

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Did You Know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a milli-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand, or even attempted to do so (apart from bones).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the U.S. government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. (Are you one of them???)

[EE TW1STED]

Hi there

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Lol hi!

I was very bored so i thought i would start this thread and post what i found interesting.

[oXKryptoniteXo]

Dog Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require, especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

[oXKryptoniteXo]

The English Language

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up an essay, I end it?

English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!!

[Dizzydude]

Brushing your teeth prevents cavities, gingivitis and other such evil.

[Forbidden]

OMG Mandy! So funny!!!

[oXKryptoniteXo]

lol hi anna OMG is that...:eek: ....DIZZY!

[Dizzydude]

I lurk in the shadows... :)

[PMS Chocolate]

well, apparently, the skin on your elbow is called your "weenus" . . . try saying to somebody, "OMG! I CAN SEE YOUR WEENUS!"

[oXKryptoniteXo]

lol you will like the face you get out of that one i promise.