CaptainDemon
09-04-2006, 06:55 PM
Do ya'll mind if I just kind of write out some thoughts? They're about love, lovelessness as the case seems to be.
I feel sad, cold even. I mean, how bad is it to not have had a real relationship in your life? To have never been kissed? Or told you were loved, though not by a family member? I don't consider anything I might have had with one person (it was a year ago, and lasted less than a week) a relationship. She was a self-describe "player" back then and was two-timing me with three other guys. She told me this recently. She then told me how she was cheating on me. I yelled at her, asking her why in the world she would tell me something messed up like that if we were supposedly friends. She said she thought I should know. I took it another way, she wanted me to know how much of nothing I was to her.
But that's been the theme with me. Nothing to no one. I'm not counting friends, I have many friends, and I know they are true friends. But I can't forget the friends of mine I've had feelings for, those I put myself in the open for only to get the same response: that they didn't like me "that way", that they couldn't have those feelings for me. I don't blame them, I don't hate them for it. Like I said, they're my friends. But I can only how many friends I'll accumulate through rejection. Otherwise I'm happy, everything is fine with me. I have friends who genuinely care about me, a family that doesn't completely make my life hell, and I'm not doing bad in school. But the lovelessness brings it all down. I mean, doesn't everyone desire someone to really be with? To actually feel love between another person? And the fact that everytime I've tried, I've been hurt. And I still feel the after effects, and every time I try again and end up failing is another good feeling beaten down, replaced by the sadness of loneliness. And everyone just feels like they can relate, but it's different, or at least it feels as it is. Then again ,everyone feels their personal sorrows are unique. My only hope is that I do find someone who can be there for me as I am to them, and be able to love me as I love them. I can say the best times of my life were with my arms around people I cared about.
So maybe I shouldn't have called this sorrowful thoughts. Maybe I should've called it my own personal musings. I love life, I cherish my friends, I treasure my family, but love itself hasn't yet revealed itself to me. And everytime I see this one quote, I think exactly what my problem is. The quote is this "Life without love is no life at all." And everytime I see it, I simply think how I need to experience love to truly love life.
I feel sad, cold even. I mean, how bad is it to not have had a real relationship in your life? To have never been kissed? Or told you were loved, though not by a family member? I don't consider anything I might have had with one person (it was a year ago, and lasted less than a week) a relationship. She was a self-describe "player" back then and was two-timing me with three other guys. She told me this recently. She then told me how she was cheating on me. I yelled at her, asking her why in the world she would tell me something messed up like that if we were supposedly friends. She said she thought I should know. I took it another way, she wanted me to know how much of nothing I was to her.
But that's been the theme with me. Nothing to no one. I'm not counting friends, I have many friends, and I know they are true friends. But I can't forget the friends of mine I've had feelings for, those I put myself in the open for only to get the same response: that they didn't like me "that way", that they couldn't have those feelings for me. I don't blame them, I don't hate them for it. Like I said, they're my friends. But I can only how many friends I'll accumulate through rejection. Otherwise I'm happy, everything is fine with me. I have friends who genuinely care about me, a family that doesn't completely make my life hell, and I'm not doing bad in school. But the lovelessness brings it all down. I mean, doesn't everyone desire someone to really be with? To actually feel love between another person? And the fact that everytime I've tried, I've been hurt. And I still feel the after effects, and every time I try again and end up failing is another good feeling beaten down, replaced by the sadness of loneliness. And everyone just feels like they can relate, but it's different, or at least it feels as it is. Then again ,everyone feels their personal sorrows are unique. My only hope is that I do find someone who can be there for me as I am to them, and be able to love me as I love them. I can say the best times of my life were with my arms around people I cared about.
So maybe I shouldn't have called this sorrowful thoughts. Maybe I should've called it my own personal musings. I love life, I cherish my friends, I treasure my family, but love itself hasn't yet revealed itself to me. And everytime I see this one quote, I think exactly what my problem is. The quote is this "Life without love is no life at all." And everytime I see it, I simply think how I need to experience love to truly love life.