CaptainDemon
09-02-2006, 08:30 PM
"Best Case Scenario"
Paranoia was something that once filled my head, leading the stupidity of doubt and fear of failure into my mind.
Walking down the street became a test, a fear. Maybe someone would say an unfriendly remark about me, or perhaps just a cold stare in my direction.
Whatever the case this is, the sun was shining through it all.
Not to say all my fears were unfounded, although I over achieved in the task of being a worrier, some of my fears were just. I would think myself just barely holding on to the friends I had.
Even my best friends seemed distant to me, as if I was lost in a dream that quickly turned to the realm of nightmare.
Imagine it, every step a mistake, for every step forward you find out it was in the wrong direction.
The sound of my footsteps was my rhythm, Murphy's Law being sung into my head in a desolate ballad of abandoned hope.
Wonders what a few sentences can do. The conjurings of my mind simply hummed this tune like a age-old nursery rhyme, and with each silent hym, every depressing verse was an assurance that this is how I am and how things have been all my life.
Then I decided to find a way out. I decided to talk to someone about it.
I couldn't have spoken a word to who I thought caused my distress, I was afraid of hurting them with my own emotions, I went out of my way to not be selfish. Of all the things I am and was, I'm not selfish.
So I looked for someone who would listen to me without worrying about hurting them.
I told every little detail of my mind, my motives in this despair, my logic in sorrow. Then that pair of ears decided to grow a head, and a mouth, and a body, and eventually took the form of what would help me lose this pain. He talked to the root for me, asking simple questions (however true they may be) that prompted a response.
Euphoria is the only word to describe exactly how it felt to get all my supposed "problems" off my chest and into the air. Elation is the only way to put a label on how it felt to see those problems mended by the simple realization that I wasn't alone.
I can safetly say that life is now love in my eyes, that people no longer carry with them the same weight that words do, the ability to change my mind and me.
Though there are relapses, times when I wonder how long this will last. When the reflection in the mirror I look at is again dark and shattered.
But until then I must only wonder why it is I feared in the first place. Why paranoia of the worst case scenario strangled my reason.
Jealousy perhaps, jealousy that the person I was to one people and the person I am to another were melding together, and I didn't want to seem faulty. Which, is quite humourous in retrospect. Friends do not call each other as such unless it is true, and I highly doubt my friendship will be betrayed.
And until then, everytime I walk down the street and the sun shines on my face, I can only think of the Best Case Scenario.
Paranoia was something that once filled my head, leading the stupidity of doubt and fear of failure into my mind.
Walking down the street became a test, a fear. Maybe someone would say an unfriendly remark about me, or perhaps just a cold stare in my direction.
Whatever the case this is, the sun was shining through it all.
Not to say all my fears were unfounded, although I over achieved in the task of being a worrier, some of my fears were just. I would think myself just barely holding on to the friends I had.
Even my best friends seemed distant to me, as if I was lost in a dream that quickly turned to the realm of nightmare.
Imagine it, every step a mistake, for every step forward you find out it was in the wrong direction.
The sound of my footsteps was my rhythm, Murphy's Law being sung into my head in a desolate ballad of abandoned hope.
Wonders what a few sentences can do. The conjurings of my mind simply hummed this tune like a age-old nursery rhyme, and with each silent hym, every depressing verse was an assurance that this is how I am and how things have been all my life.
Then I decided to find a way out. I decided to talk to someone about it.
I couldn't have spoken a word to who I thought caused my distress, I was afraid of hurting them with my own emotions, I went out of my way to not be selfish. Of all the things I am and was, I'm not selfish.
So I looked for someone who would listen to me without worrying about hurting them.
I told every little detail of my mind, my motives in this despair, my logic in sorrow. Then that pair of ears decided to grow a head, and a mouth, and a body, and eventually took the form of what would help me lose this pain. He talked to the root for me, asking simple questions (however true they may be) that prompted a response.
Euphoria is the only word to describe exactly how it felt to get all my supposed "problems" off my chest and into the air. Elation is the only way to put a label on how it felt to see those problems mended by the simple realization that I wasn't alone.
I can safetly say that life is now love in my eyes, that people no longer carry with them the same weight that words do, the ability to change my mind and me.
Though there are relapses, times when I wonder how long this will last. When the reflection in the mirror I look at is again dark and shattered.
But until then I must only wonder why it is I feared in the first place. Why paranoia of the worst case scenario strangled my reason.
Jealousy perhaps, jealousy that the person I was to one people and the person I am to another were melding together, and I didn't want to seem faulty. Which, is quite humourous in retrospect. Friends do not call each other as such unless it is true, and I highly doubt my friendship will be betrayed.
And until then, everytime I walk down the street and the sun shines on my face, I can only think of the Best Case Scenario.