View Full Version : Read This If You Care
08-27-2006, 10:18 PM
This is me venting, this is everything in my life that I absolutely hate compiled into a nice easy-to-read document.
You know what I hate about my life? Everything. Let me start on these very forums. I hate how I'm just another faceless name. I hate how in this poetry section I pour out what little feelings I have into words and no one bothers to read them or care. I hate how my best friend lives in Hawaii and I will probably never meet them in my life. In my life, I speak of it as if I have one right now. My parents go out more often than I do. I have no life, I'm a stereotypical gamer, and the worst part is I can't even play games to escape this anymore. I hate how I've made everyone I know and maybe care for see me as a compliant and a sob story. I hate how pathetic I am to the point where I've never been with someone in love. I hate, absolutely hate that I can't find a better way to release this anger then YELL OUT ON THESE FORUMS THAT DON't CARE ABOUT ME! I hate feeling like my whole life, everything in it, including the relationships I've made with others, have been completely torn to hell cause I messed them up! I hate myself to a degree so powerful it ceases to be hate and just acceptance that I will always be a loathsome creature with no redeemable qualities. I hate that this is a cry for help, I hate that I just want someone to reach out and tell me it's alright instead of looking at me and acting like they're listening when they don't really care. I hate messing up every step of every crossroads in my damnable life! What the HELL is wrong with me!
In closing, I'm wretched in more ways than one. I made a pen name awhile ago, called Forlorn Will, and I didn't know how fitting it was. Cause forlorn means abandoned and wretched, and all happiness has abandoned me and right now I'm about as wretched as a human being gets. God, if God even exists, has surely wished for me to have a powerful contempt of myself that cannot be shaken, and liked to mock me by putting the very things I want in my life put right in front of me in the form of other's happinesses. I'm the metaphorical child looking in through the window at things they'll never be able to have, cause I've lost my ability to gain the money of rapture a long time ago.
If you read this, I congratulate you for having time on your hands.
08-27-2006, 11:56 PM
demonflame . . . i'm really sorry that you feel like such a letdown to yourself. i can't tell you that you arent, because i'm not you, but i can tell you that there is always hope. you can't just give up. things will get better. they have to. i can tell that you are a really passionate, creative, kind, and intelligent person by how you write and by what i HAVE read in the poetry sections and stuff. i have faith that things will get better for you. if you ever wanna vent to someone, or if you're simply bored, you're more than welcome to send me an IM over AIM. i love to listen to people and try to help them out to the best of my ability. i know i'm not physically there as a friend, so i can't give you a hug, but i'm fairly good at cheering ppl up from a distance. so seriously, don't hesitate to talk to me.
08-28-2006, 12:15 AM
I've had friends. I had love in person. Every 3 years, due to military, we get restationed to new places. Its fun to travel, but its not fun to have friends and relationships and have them torn away. So I got in to the internet.. and its given me something a little more permanent then what a Military Brat like myself could ever hope for.
CPL Summer was the best week in my life.. After 3 years of practically no friends in person, I got to meet some of the friends that kept me sane. I rolled over when I woke up and either saw somebody there, or knew there was someone within walking distance (Like back in Okinawa).. $1000 later, and it was time to go. I hugged them all as we went to our respective airport gates, and went back to loneliness.
Having something torn away from you is a very similar pain to not having anything at all. I dont know whether I'm glad that I've had it, or wish I didn't know what it is, so I couldn't miss it. Why make friends here in DC, especially when we recently hit our 3-year and its only a matter of months until we're restationed again..?
Regardless, I'm back to waking up every morning, seeing nobody around, and wondering what the point is. I haven't talked to hardly anybody in Ventrilo/Xfire in 3 weeks (starting to get the feeling I may not be wanted, too). Slowly losing my passion of gaming, and drowning myself in work and sleep just to pass the time, and saving nickels and dimes just to get the chance to see them again at the next event.
I know your pain.. maybe not an exact replica, but pain is pain. Dont think you're alone for a minute, theres me and quite a few more out there going through this slump in life, too.
If you need to actually talk about it, rather then a forum post, contact me at the information in my profile.
08-28-2006, 02:27 AM
I had written a longer response but it got lost due to computer trouble, and I don't care to write it again. It was just my musings on the problem now, that I've been able to get some measure of sleep over it and read Spartan's and Nokarot's replies.
Suffice to say that I appreciate the comments, for Spartan's optimism and Nokarot's identification with how I'm feeling. I don't want to say that I'll "be all better" now, but perhaps it's a start. Perhaps I just need time to think everything over, get things in order, and not lose my control as I've been doing. That's my only real failure, is that I'm letting the loss of control blind my vision and judgement, and now all the pent up aggression and sadness is venting out because I haven't another outlet to do so. Thank you again, and I would say that I pray to God that things get better, but frankly I wouldn't know what to say to God in order to ask for help. The nature of my problem eludes me too much for that, but maybe I'll understand this and be able to come back, write poetry with the fervor i did when I began, and as carefully as I did with time. I hope I can come back and not be what I have made myself into.
And when I say "when I come back", I mean when I come back to my senses, and once again, thanks for your comments. It's nice to know I'm not ignored, but it's horrible that I had to title this as such to get attention. Truly sorry,
Lady Eve PMS
08-28-2006, 06:05 PM
I am here and I am there. Whether or not you think I listen, I do care. No matter what, you were/are never invisible to me. And though you are having issues with yourself and your life, I will always be someone to lean on. There will be a crossroad, where we will one day meet. Face to face, demon to demon. It all starts here. And as they say, "nothing really ends..."
And this all comes from me, the lonely girl in the crowd.
08-28-2006, 09:34 PM
I really wish I wasn't distracted as hell so I could write a more memorable post, however I am, so I'll keep this short.
Demon, I understand your dilemma. Right now things are messed up for all of us, or at least most people I know, and you must really cling dearly to those close to you. DemonGurl, at least in my point of view, looks to be that person. I don't really know much about your social life in school, vice-versa, but I'm here if you ever need to talk and any of us are here if you want to talk.
Keep the peace,
08-28-2006, 09:59 PM
Alena, I know I can rely on you. but I didn't want to rely on you for the wrong reasons, to take your friendship for granted and eventually lose it. I hated myself cause of the fear that swelled inside me that I've been on the wrong track and that it was just leading me further away from who I care about: you. That's all that's been the source, and that's the only righteous things about this. The rest of it is jealousy of other's popularity and my own social ineptitude. But none of that matters to me. After a few days I can realize that I've got a lot of friends, and one great one. I hope this is the last you'll see of my sadness or depression, but still, whatever happens to me in the future will be dealt with like I have today, by letting go of that hatred and anger. I love you Alena.
And Andy, thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone, as I've felt I was. You are a great friend despite what you may believe about yourself.
08-28-2006, 10:12 PM
I'm glad to see that you've been able to work through this. You will always have friends to help you through the difficult times.
08-28-2006, 11:54 PM
I'm past the anger and sadness, I might even write again. I don't know, I don't even know if this is a temporary lapse in me behaviour or if I might have helped something. All I know is that for right now, I care about others more than myself, as I always had until I felt no one cared for me. But I'm quite finished soul searching, let's move on then shall we?
08-31-2006, 11:48 AM
Well can I join the club? I aint in any relationship but when I get close to someone I think is gonna be its not...I get depressed easily.
When in a happy mood I can be full of joyful love and nature poems, but lately its been depressing poetry.
Not being funny but you haven't read poetry until you read English Poetry ;)
'For my heart once full of warmth,
happy and o' so full of love,
filled with kindness but now all gone,
is there anyone that can show me the love that I can show,
or am I truely destined to stay alone'
I can do better but am more used to shorter poems than longer ones...I can think of soo much when I am really happy but without my heart being in love and happy I cannot let out my true potential.
I am not your average typical guy that 'uses' I like to listen and give sound advice so if anyone wants to talk about it or in more detail - even guys then let me know I am always close by :)