I have a controvercial speech due tomorrow

[CiniMini]

And I'm in the process of writing it, it's about the war in Iraq, my view is anti-war. When I'm done Imma post it on here and can some of yall who are really good at english writing stuff tell me if I should change anything. I'm in AP 11 so I'm going to be taking a main point in attacking the emotional appeal but I also have to use point of logos and ethos in my speech. So someone let me know if you can review it for me and give me some pointers please

Thanks
-JEN

[x SexyPink x]

geez Ap lit is horrible. The papers are graded so much more harshly than on the ap exam

[H2O Sonik]

youre in ap but dont know how to spell controversial correctly?

post your paper and ill help as much as i can.

[CiniMini]

lol I've never been able to spell. I'm only about 1/2 way through writing it right now, when I'm fully done I'll post it

[x SexyPink x]

it's all about the teacher though. My friend got 95s on his papers, while I got 85s. But i got a 4 on the ap tests, while he got like a 2. It really depends how your teacher grades if you ask me.

[Wafer]

YU KNEW wat? i dun cer abut how corekly i spel, and im tird of u corecting ever one else ahahahah

[Raevn]

YU KNEW wat? i dun cer abut how corekly i spel, and im tird of u corecting ever one else ahahahah

Well, the average IQ of humanity just dropped.

Idiocracy is such a likely possibility at this point, it's scary.

[Wafer]

well you know what?..........your mean, a english sucks anyway viva messed up spelling, wooooo!!!!

[CiniMini]

Ok this is what I have so far:

Imagine just imagine you have someone you love in the Army, it could be your mom, dad, brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, or who ever it may be. Now imagine that they are going off to Iraq. Imagine saying goodbye to them, giving them that last final kiss and hug goodbye before the bored a plane that could be for the last time.

Now skip forward and imagine you’re waiting by the phone for a phone call home letting you know that they are safe. That phone call never comes, but one does come saying that that person was hit by an IED (improvised explosive device). Just imagine how that would affect you and the people around you. Just imagine.

This is what thousands of American’s go through each year. Since the war has started there have been 28,276 American’s wounded in this war. There have been 16,299 American casualties of war. How many more American’s must die before this war is over? How many more people must get hurt to help settle the ego of a president that holds a grudge for what happened to his father when he was in office?

One might argue that the soldiers going to war choose to join the military so therefore they knew what they were getting into when they first signed up. Yes, it is true that they choose to enlist in the military, what ever branch it may be, but they are not always given the full facts of their enlistment. Some recruiters choose to lie to the recruits just to get more people to sign up so they can make more money. Recruiters get 2000 dollars for every person the get to enlist. So that seems like a pretty good incentive for them to lie to the people that come in to see them to learn the facts about enlisting.

Others may argue that the reason we are over there is to help the Iraqi people and destroy the weapons of mass destruction that are illegibly over in Iraq. This has been proven false by the CIA that looked for proof of there being WMDs in Iraq. In February of 2004 CIA Director Tenet states, “We said Saddam did not have a nuclear weapon, and probably would have been unable to make one until 2007 to 2009.” This proves that the false accusations that the Bush administration implied to the people of the United States were based on false pretenses. People within the White House have stated that Iraq was on the agenda since day one of Bush’s presidency.

[meow]

Idiocracy is such a likely possibility at this point, it's scary.

That scares me.

[x SexyPink x]

Haha ironic coming from the person who spelled raven wrong.

[CiniMini]

Can we please get back on topic

[Raevn]

Haha ironic coming from the person who spelled raven wrong.

Note the key word. Ironic. Spelled it that way for the "move all letters around but the first and last and people read it normally" thing.

And after Wafer's post, the average IQ dropped again.

[Stasis]

Note the key word. Ironic. Spelled it that way for the "move all letters around but the first and last and people read it normally" thing.

And after Wafer's post, the average IQ dropped again.

rofl, now that I'm here the average IQ raised again, cause I'm a genius

[CiniMini]

Imagine, just imagine you have someone you love in the Army, it could be your mom, dad, brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, or who ever it may be. Now imagine that they are going off to Iraq. You’re saying goodbye to them, giving them that last final kiss and hug goodbye before the bored a plane that could be for the last time.

Now skip forward, you’re waiting by the phone for a phone call home letting you know that they are safe. That phone call never comes, but one does come saying that that person was hit by an IED (improvised explosive device). Imagine how that would affect you and the people around you, not knowing if you’re loved one is ok or if they are just another casualty of war.

This is what thousands of American’s go through each year. Since the war has started there have been 28,276 American’s wounded in this war. There have been 16,299 American casualties of war. How many more American’s must die before this war is over? How many more people must get hurt to help settle the ego of a president that holds a grudge for what happened to his father when he was in office? Why did the Bush Administration insist on lying to its people in order to wage war on a country? Why did they go against the United Nations decision to work it out peacefully? Is it because Bush wanted to settle the fight his father created while he was in office? Did he want to avenge his fathers failure in Iraq, or was it about the oil like many people say?

One may argue that the reason we are over there is to help the Iraqi people and destroy the weapons of mass destruction that are illegibly over in Iraq. This has been proven false by the CIA that looked for proof of there being WMDs in Iraq. In February of 2004 CIA Director Tenet states, “We said Saddam did not have a nuclear weapon, and probably would have been unable to make one until 2007 to 2009.” This proves that the false accusations that the Bush administration implied to the people of the United States were based on false pretenses. People within the White House have stated that Iraq was on the agenda since day one of Bush’s presidency.

Over two centuries ago former president John Adams said, “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” We can now put these words to what has been going on for the past six years with the war in Iraq. The Bush Administration aloud false accusations to engulf the public in order to get the outcome that they wished. They constantly put the image of what of a mushroom cloud into our head. The administration continuously put a dreadful image of imminent danger into our heads in order to convince us that going to war was worth while. When White House spokesman Ari Fleischer was asked whether we went to war “because we said WMD were a direct and imminent threat to the United States.” He replayed with a short abrupt answer of “Absolutely.”

Bush leniently went against the UN (United Nations) in their decision to not wage war on Iraq. In the United Nations laws it states that one country shall not wage war on another with out the consent of the UN, but yet Bush did just that. He was denied by the United Nations and yet he did it anyway and they did not stop him. The United States being the hegemony of the world therefore has the power to basically take over any country that it wishes. Bush has used this domination of power to scare the other nations into not fighting against us when we declared war on Iraq.

The UN however no longer opposed the war after there headquarters building in Baghdad was hit by a terrorist car bomb. This incident killed at least 20 people and injured more than 100. Many more incidents like this have taken place over the past 4 years since we first invaded the country. Due to these incidents and the efforts our country is putting into building up a supplemental military for their country the cost has reached about $150 billion. The United States should see it clear to pull out of Iraq as soon as possible. Not only for the amount of money that is being spend but also due to the amount of people we are losing as well as the amount of young adults that are coming back home with missing body parts and mental problems due to what is called shell shock.

At ages as young as 19 and 20 people have to see dismembered bodies, death, chunks of bodies that have nothing left to them, and people who are squirting blood from injuries where an arm or leg once was. They shouldn’t be seeing these things and being scared at such young ages. A guy at 20 shouldn’t lose his life to fight for a reason that he may not even know. A girl at 19 shouldn’t have to see her best friends dismembered body on the ground because he got blown up by an IED. They shouldn’t have to take the risk of their Kevlar vest breaking after one bullet hits it and then dieing due to the faulty equipment that they are given when we have better equipment back here at home that could have saved their life. They shouldn’t have to go through the pain of losing a limb or getting shot and maybe not being able to walk ever again.

[Arbee H2O]

Well to help get this back on topic, I will offer up a few suggestions:

1. Ideally your introduction should have something that captures the reader/audiences attention, which you have. It should also prep the audience for what the rest of your speech will be about. If you plan to make 3 arguments or points, then your introduction should give the listener an idea of what they are about to hear. Usually you state your argument, or point you are trying to make (and every speech/paper has to have a point to it), then briefly preview the points/arguments you plan to make to support it. It gives your speech more flow, and gives the audience an idea of what to expect. After you make the main points of your speech, you want to make sure to sum up your arguments to reinforce the point or argument you made at the beginning.

2. It was good to provide arguments fron differing sides, however if you are are supposed to take a side in this speech they would probably be best used in the same argument/paragraph in which you can counter the opposing POV.

3. Use a little more supporting facts to make your points. For instance if you are making a point to show people that recruiters get a bonus for everyone they enlist, as maybe a way of having alternative motives other than the best interest of the recruit, add more to it. Point out average age of enlistees, or average household income levels etc.. Basically if you want to make a point, use a couple different examples to make it. Statistics and empirical evidence is always good for an argumentative speech.

You're off to a good start, just pad it a bit more with organized evidence to support your points and don't be afraid to ruffle some feathers (while making sure not to be offensive). A good argumentative speech is one that can challenge the way others think.

[CiniMini]

Farther revisions

Imagine, just imagine you have someone you love in the Army, it could be your mom, dad, brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, or who ever it may be. Now imagine that they are going off to Iraq. You’re saying goodbye to them, giving them that last final kiss and hug goodbye before the bored a plane that could be for the last time.

Now skip forward, you’re waiting by the phone for a phone call home letting you know that they are safe. That phone call never comes, but one does come saying that that person was hit by an IED (improvised explosive device). Imagine how that would affect you and the people around you, not knowing if you’re loved one is ok or if they are just another casualty of war.

This is what thousands of American’s go through each year. Since the war has started there have been 28,276 American’s wounded in this war. There have been 16,299 American casualties of war. How many more American’s must die before this war is over? How many more people must get hurt to help settle the ego of a president that holds a grudge for what happened to his father when he was in office? Why did the Bush Administration insist on lying to its people in order to wage war on a country? Why did they go against the United Nations decision to work it out peacefully? Is it because Bush wanted to settle the fight his father created while he was in office? Did he want to avenge his fathers failure in Iraq, or was it about the oil like many people say?

Others may argue that the reason we are over there is to help the Iraqi people and destroy the weapons of mass destruction that are illegibly over in Iraq. This has been proven false by the CIA that looked for proof of there being WMDs in Iraq. In February of 2004 CIA Director Tenet states, “We said Saddam did not have a nuclear weapon, and probably would have been unable to make one until 2007 to 2009.” This proves that the false accusations that the Bush administration implied to the people of the United States were based on false pretenses. People within the White House have stated that Iraq was on the agenda since day one of Bush’s presidency.

Over two centuries ago former president John Adams said, “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” We can now put these words to what has been going on for the past six years with the war in Iraq. The Bush Administration aloud false accusations to engulf the public in order to get the outcome that they wished. They constantly put the image of what of a mushroom cloud into our head. The administration continuously put a dreadful image of imminent danger into our heads in order to convince us that going to war was worth while. When White House spokesman Ari Fleischer was asked whether we went to war “because we said WMD were a direct and imminent threat to the United States.” He replayed with a short abrupt answer of “Absolutely.”

Bush leniently went against the UN (United Nations) in their decision to not wage war on Iraq. In the United Nations laws it states that one country shall not wage war on another with out the consent of the UN, but yet Bush did just that. He was denied by the United Nations and yet he did it anyway and they did not stop him. The United States being the hegemony of the world therefore has the power to basically take over any country that it wishes. Bush has used this domination of power to scare the other nations into not fighting against us when we declared war on Iraq.

The UN however no longer opposed the war after there headquarters building in Baghdad was hit by a terrorist car bomb. This incident killed at least 20 people and injured more than 100. Many more incidents like this have taken place over the past 4 years since we first invaded the country. Due to these incidents and the efforts our country is putting into building up a supplemental military for their country the cost has reached about $150 billion. The United States should see it clear to pull out of Iraq as soon as possible. Not only for the amount of money that is being spend but also due to the amount of people we are losing as well as the amount of young adults that are coming back home with missing body parts and mental problems due to what is called shell shock.

At ages as young as 19 and 20 people have to see dismembered bodies, death, chunks of bodies that have nothing left to them, and people who are squirting blood from injuries where an arm or leg once was. They shouldn’t be seeing these things and being scared at such young ages. A guy at 20 shouldn’t lose his life to fight for a reason that he may not even know. A girl at 19 shouldn’t have to see her best friends dismembered body on the ground because he got blown up by an IED. They shouldn’t have to take the risk of their Kevlar vest breaking after one bullet hits it and then dieing due to the faulty equipment that they are given when we have better equipment back here at home that could have saved their life. They shouldn’t have to go through the pain of losing a limb or getting shot and maybe not being able to walk ever again.

[Rip]

From a grammatical standpoint, you'll need to read over this carefully.
In the first paragraph for example, if i were reading this with a close eye:
Imagine, just imagine if the second 'just imagine' is an appositive, you need a comma after it. "Imagine, just imagine, you... you have someone you love in the Army, it could be your mom, dad, brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, or who ever it may be. "or who ever it may be" should probably just be skipped. etc would fit better, or it can be just removed all together. Now imagine that they are going off to Iraq. I think that is a sentence fragment there. Maybe a semicolon before 'now' would be more appropriate.
You’re saying goodbye to them, giving them that last final kiss and hug goodbye before the they bored is the plane boring? Wrong version of bored, you want board here a plane that could be for the last time. a plane that could be for the last time. Its unclear what 'could be for the last time' is referring to. By the sentence structure, its referring to the plane. Generally the reference is 'seeing them for the last time' or something like that.

There's a lot of run-on sentences and issues with putting commas where semicolons and periods should be. Think of it as....oh idk, a news report or something. Make sure the thoughts are clear and concise between sentences.

[CiniMini]

Edits as to what Rip suggested:


Imagine, just imagine, you have someone you love in the Army, it could be your mom, dad, brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, ect. Now imagine that they are going off to Iraq. You’re saying goodbye to them, giving them that last final kiss and hug goodbye before they board the plane that could be their last and your last time ever seeing each other.

Now skip forward, you’re waiting by the phone for a phone call home letting you know that they are safe. That phone call never comes, but one does come saying that that person was hit by an IED (improvised explosive device). Imagine how that would affect you and the people around you, not knowing if you’re loved one is ok or if they are just another casualty of war.

This is what thousands of American’s go through each year. Since the war has started there have been 28,276 American’s wounded in this war. There have been 16,299 American casualties of war. How many more American’s must die before this war is over? How many more people must get hurt to help settle the ego of a president that holds a grudge for what happened to his father when he was in office? Why did the Bush Administration insist on lying to its people in order to wage war on a country? Why did they go against the United Nations decision to work it out peacefully? Is it because Bush wanted to settle the fight his father created while he was in office? Did he want to avenge his fathers failure in Iraq, or was it about the oil like many people say?

One may argue that the reason we are over there is to help the Iraqi people and destroy the weapons of mass destruction that are illegibly over in Iraq. This has been proven false by the CIA that looked for proof of there being WMDs in Iraq. In February of 2004 CIA Director Tenet states, “We said Saddam did not have a nuclear weapon, and probably would have been unable to make one until 2007 to 2009.” This proves that the false accusations that the Bush administration implied to the people of the United States were based on false pretenses. People within the White House have stated that Iraq was on the agenda since day one of Bush’s presidency.

Over two centuries ago former president John Adams said, “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” We can now put these words to what has been going on for the past six years with the war in Iraq. The Bush Administration aloud false accusations to engulf the public in order to get the outcome that they wished. They constantly put the image of that of a mushroom cloud into our head. The administration continuously put a dreadful image of imminent danger into our heads in order to convince us that going to war was worth while. When White House spokesman Ari Fleischer was asked whether we went to war “because we said WMD were a direct and imminent threat to the United States.” He replayed with a short abrupt answer of “Absolutely.”

Bush leniently went against the UN (United Nations) in their decision to not wage war on Iraq. In the United Nations laws it states that one country shall not wage war on another with out the consent of the UN, but yet Bush did just that. He was denied by the United Nations and yet he did it anyway and they did not stop him. The United States being the hegemony of the world therefore has the power to basically take over any country that it wishes. Bush has used this domination of power to scare the other nations into not fighting against us when we declared war on Iraq.

The UN however no longer opposed the war after there headquarters building in Baghdad was hit by a terrorist car bomb. This incident killed at least 20 people and injured more than 100. Many more incidents like this have taken place over the past 4 years since we first invaded the country. Due to these incidents and the efforts our country is putting into building up a supplemental military for their country the cost has reached about $150 billion. The United States should see it clear to pull out of Iraq as soon as possible, not only for the amount of money that is being spend but also due to the amount of people we are losing as well. Including the amount of young adults that are coming back home with missing body parts and mental problems due to what is called shell shock.

At ages as young as 19 and 20 people have to see dismembered bodies, death, chunks of bodies that have nothing left to them, and people who are squirting blood from injuries where an arm or leg once was. They shouldn’t be seeing these things and being scared at such young ages. A guy at 20 shouldn’t lose his life to fight for a reason that he may not even know. A girl at 19 shouldn’t have to see her best friends dismembered body on the ground because he got blown up by an IED. They shouldn’t have to take the risk of their Kevlar vest breaking after one bullet hits it and then dieing due to the faulty equipment that they are given when we have better equipment back here at home that could have saved their life. They shouldn’t have to go through the pain of losing a limb or getting shot and maybe not being able to walk ever again.

[TR]

Wow, Rip, could you proof read my essays?
(Edit: My bad, Hijacking the topic...)

[Rip]

Wow, Rip, could you proof read my essays?
(Edit: My bad, Hijacking the topic...)

Lol, no. Note i didn't get very far into this one even. I'm not paid enough to be an editor.....wait...i'm not paid at all.....*grumbles*

And yea, while that may alleviate some of the issues in the first paragraph, read slowly and carefully over the rest of the essay as well, especially since this is a speech. Read it aloud a few times - maybe ask someone to sit in (i hate doing that personally, but its good practice i suppose). The key is - will the listener be able to follow the speech easily, or will they get mixed up and lost. Simple sentences work best, throwing more than one or two commas in a sentence can become confusing. Sounding sophisticated rarely works with speeches, though you can get away with it in papers. And always wear sunscreen (I just like that song haha)

[CiniMini]

Yea, this is just the paper for it, I'm not reading this out word for word my teacher will have this and I'll have note cards with the key points I wish to make

[Stasis]

i'm not paid at all

so your saying our thanks isn't good enough payment? :) (sorry couldn't resist)

[x SexyPink x]

Imagine, just imagine, you have someone you love in the Army, it could....

it should be ; between Army and it. they are two independent clauses

or you can use : and make it into a list, but i think you'd have to get rid of the "it could"

[CiniMini]

Wouldn't a semi colen work better

[JeepChick PMS]

I don't have to imagine. My husband is in the Army and I am very proud of him. Because of his sacrifice, and the sacrifices that I make so he can serve as well, you are safe and warm and able to write your paper against the war. More people die from car accidents, malnutrition, and other preventable causes than soldiers in war. I know your paper topic is not going to change, but maybe you can look at the issue from another side. PM me if you would ever like to talk about it.

[Wafer]

i agree with jeep

i have two cousins in iraq, and a uncle in iraq as a tank driver, im proud of there sacrifice that they make every day, althought even my cousins give mixed feelings about it, but i give them respect for fighting, its more then i could do, being shot at is nothing to joke around, im proud of them, even if they do disagree about why there there, and so i do, i agree with them as well, but the sad thing that i notice and that my cousins tell me, is that "i do it becuase they said they would pay me extra and help me out with collage" i think its sad that they have to risk there lives to go to collage,but then again i give them respect none the less

[CiniMini]

What a lot of people don't know about me is my girlfriend is going back to Iraq on Friday and I've lost 3 friends there. The speech wasn't against the soldiers as a matter of fact when I was speaking I made it a point that I support the soldiers over there, it's the Bush Administration I don't support. I respect every soldier over in Iraq and I support what they are doing, but I do not support the Bush Administration and that's mainly what I was posing proof aginst. And for all of those who wish to know how my speech went, it went exceptinally well, I got 94/100, I started to cry though because what I had the class imagin is what I'm going through and I felt that they needed a better understanding of what people who are in that situation are going though.

[x SexyPink x]

I think her paper is anti-Iraq, not Anti-war. I agree that war is inevitable, and that joining WWII is probably the best decision FDR made. But uhm.....Iraq..?

[CiniMini]

Yea, the title of it was Anti-Iraq and that was the main point of my speech and my paper

[Stasis]

I agree that war is inevitable

yep 100% true

in fact my fave latin proverb is Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum which means "If you want peace, prepare for war"

[CiniMini]

Yea it is but in certain things it can be prevented

[x SexyPink x]

ha did you know more people died from vending machines than sharks. haha. funny id say, to die form a vending machine.

[CiniMini]

How do you die from a vending machine???

[Sweet Pea]

Good job Jenzie pants!

[CiniMini]

lol OF COURSE =D